Monique explained to Stacey that her communication skills weren't up to par. As examples, Monique cited Stacey's trouble with compiling written reports and her reluctance to speak up or share ideas at staff meetings. Stacey couldn't argue with Monique's assessment. She realized that her communication skills needed help, but she also knew that improving them would take lots of hard work.

Communication: The Key to Your Success

Most organizations agree that their success depends largely on the communication skills of all their employees. One study, for instance, asked 170 corporations about their primary reasons for rejecting job applicants. Most frequently, the companies said they didn't hire applicants because of their "inability to communicate" or because they had "poor communication skills." So it's not surprising that people who truly understand how to communicate -- both in person and on paper -- are the ones who get hired first and who get promoted more often.

If you're like Stacey, you may be overwhelmed by the thought of working on your communication skills. If so, take heart. Just remember that these skills are learned and, with practice, you can improve and even perfect them.

Let's start by defining communication. Simply, it's the process of sharing your thoughts, ideas and feelings with other people in commonly understood ways, such as speaking, listening, reading, writing, facial expressions and body language.

Gender and Communication

Although females and males are born with the same capacity to communicate -- from a newborn's primal cry to a baby's coos and babbles -- somewhere along the line society instills distinct differences between them.
When little boys act and talk tough, even swear, their behavior is tolerated and accepted as "normal." In contrast, little girls don't get the same latitude -- they're expected to show more restraint when expressing themselves. As a result, boys are allowed to develop a more direct, forceful communication style, while girls use a more tentative, questioning approach. These differences carry over into adulthood.
Because women weren't taught to communicate powerfully, they often find themselves at a disadvantage in the business world. Their "underdeveloped" communication skills often create unfair perceptions of women as being uncertain, hesitant, indecisive and subservient. For example, instead of letting a strong, declarative statement stand on its own, many women finish it with a tag question. So a statement such as, "This client proposal looks ready to go," becomes "This client proposal looks ready to go, doesn't it?"
The use of rising inflection is another female speech pattern that accentuates the perception of uncertainty and a lack of self-confidence. It makes a woman's answer to a question seem more like another question. Here's an illustration.

Larry: "When do you want the client's proposal sent over for review?"

Donna: "Oh, around 2 o'clock this afternoon?"

Even though Larry asked Donna a specific question, her answer -- given with a rising inflection -- gives the impression that she's seeking his approval. Author Margaret Adams calls this tendency in women the "compassion trap." She believes women feel that they exist to serve others -- that they must provide compassion and understanding to all people all the time. According to the "compassion trap" theory, women express themselves by first meeting the needs of others. As a result, they don't clearly communicate their honest feelings, needs and values.
To overcome the "compassion trap," learn to use language efficiently. You can increase the power of your communication by making each word count, by making sure each one contributes to your message. This forces you to eliminate unnecessary words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. By keeping all your communications simple, direct and straightforward, you'll be more effective on the job and earn your co-workers' respect along the way.

Assertive Communication

Behavioral scientists generally agree that human communication styles fall into one of three categories: assertive, passive and aggressive.
In her book The Promotable Woman, Norma Carr-Ruffino defines assertive communication as "confidently expressing what you think, feel and believe -- standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others." Passive communicators, on the other hand, won't or can't confidently express themselves. In contrast, aggressive communicators express themselves in ways that openly intimidate, demean or hurt other people.
Assertive communication usually works best because both the sender and the receiver get what they want. And people tend to cooperate more when they're approached in a manner that respects the needs of everyone involved.
One way to accomplish this is by using "I messages" when you talk. An "I message" expresses your feelings and experiences honestly but doesn't evaluate or judge others. To use an "I message," follow this formula:

"When you (state the person's behavior nonjudgmentally), I feel (state your feelings) because (explain how it affects you). I prefer (describe what you want)."

For example, you might explain your feelings about a subordinate's tardiness this way:

"When you are late for one of our appointments, I feel frustrated because it throws off my entire schedule for the rest of the day. I prefer that we reschedule our Monday meeting for 9 a.m. instead of 8 a.m. so you'll be on time."

In many situations, like this one, you want someone to change his or her behavior. Yet communicating why another person frustrates you isn't always easy. You have to describe the behavior accurately enough so the person understands exactly what needs to be changed. Here are a few guidelines to help you develop effective behavior-description skills.

The Importance of Listening

Most people take listening for granted, even though it's our most frequently used communication skill. On average, 80 percent of our waking hours are spent listening to other people or things, such as the radio or television. Because we invest so much time in listening, it makes sense to learn how to do it well.
A good listener listens with his or her whole body. For instance, leaning slightly forward toward a speaker shows interest in what's being said. Maintaining eye contact and looking face-to-face or directly at the speaker indicates you want to be actively involved in the conversation. Keeping your arms and legs uncrossed means you're open and receptive to the speaker's words. And although you should avoid distracting movements and gestures while listening, don't sit too still. Feel free to move your body in response to the speaker.
Asking questions is another essential part of effective listening. Avoid questions that simply require a "yes" or "no" answer; instead, stick to open-ended questions that give the speaker a chance to fully explore ideas and express opinions.
Here's an example. Don't ask, "Did you like the client proposal we sent out for review this afternoon?" A one-word answer doesn't tell you much. By asking an open-ended question -- "What did you think about the client proposal we sent out for review this afternoon?" -- you get a lot more information.

Public Speaking

Does the thought of speaking in front of a group of people make your knees knock, your heart pound, your palms sweat and your mouth go dry? If so, you're not alone. Studies show that Americans' no. 1 fear is public speaking. However, some basic guidelines about preparing a speech and then practicing it can help you overcome your fear.
Say you've just accepted an invitation to give a report about your company's customer service program to a large group of important clients. Before you begin thinking about what you'll say and how you'll say it, answer these three questions:

1. Who is my audience? Since your audience consists mostly of clients, don't assume they know anything about your company's customer service policies. Give them basic information about the program without going into minute details.
2. What does the audience want to know? As clients, audience members will want to know how the customer service program affects and benefits them.
3. How can I provide them with the information they want? You might begin by telling them why your company launched a customer service program and then explain step by step how your company resolves a customer service problem.

Most speeches are given for one of five reasons: to entertain, inform, inspire, convince or persuade. Once you determine your purpose, start organizing your speech around three main parts:

1. The introduction. This "hooks" or attracts your audience, entices people to keep listening and gives them a preview of what's to come. Effective introductory devices include questions, dramatic or humorous statements, jokes, anecdotes and personal experiences.
2. The body. This is the subject -- the meat of your speech. It should relate the who, what, when, where, why and how of your subject. To keep your talk simple and easy to understand, stick to three or no more than four main points. Rely on facts, figures, illustrations, specific examples and comparisons to support your main points.
3. The conclusion. This reviews your speech by highlighting the key points you want the audience to remember. Try to make people feel they've gained something by listening to you. You may want to challenge them to act or react to your message within a specific time frame.

In general, try to keep your entire speech to 20 minutes or less. Now that you're prepared, it's time to practice. Avoid memorizing your speech, because if you stumble or forget one word, your whole message might fall apart. Also, memorized words tend to sound cold and lifeless instead of warm and genuine. Reading a speech isn't a good option either because you lose eye contact with your audience. Instead, write your main points on note cards and rehearse your speech at least five times, striving for spontaneity, variety and naturalness in your delivery.

The Written Word

Compiling a complex report or preparing a client proposal can seem like an overwhelming task, especially when you lack confidence in your writing skills. When you tackle a tough writing assignment, it helps to break it down into several smaller jobs:

1. Research. Have a thorough understanding of your topic. Visit the library, do extensive reading, talk with experts, even surf the Internet for information.
2. Plan. Before you actually begin writing, ask yourself the following questions: Do I know my subject? Do I know my readers? What am I trying to accomplish?
3. Do a rough draft. Your goal is to get your thoughts on paper. You can do this in several ways: ·

4. Revise. Cut unnecessary words and sentences. Strive to be clear, concise and concrete.
5. Proofread. Once you've revised your writing, go through it one last time. Again, look for unneeded verbiage as well as typos, misspellings and grammatical mistakes.

Whenever possible, let your writing reflect your own style. Keep your words conversational, as though you're talking rather than writing to the reader. Using contractions and a casual, direct style will make your writing friendlier and more understandable. For example, which of the following sentences would you rather read?

"Upon your acceptance of this proposed plan, our team will be instructed to begin implementing it." OR "Once you accept our proposed plan, we'll begin working on it right away."

Completing a writing project may take several minutes, several hours or several days, depending on your assignment. Whenever you feel the need, take a break. Remember that activity doesn't always equal productivity. Some of your best writing will come from just sitting back and daydreaming.

As you write more and more, it will become much easier and you'll get much better at it. It's the same with all kinds of communication -- writing, public speaking, simple conversation, listening, even body language. Once you learn the basics, practice can make perfect!